Pimpled, Pregnant, and Hanging
by PXLism
Summary: Originally written by Hounds of War. The Final Fantasy VII characters vote for the new president during the 2000 Gore, Bush Elections. Hilarity ensues. Rated M for strong language. Oneshot.


**Pimpled, Pregnant, and Hanging**

**By Hounds of War**

(**Authors Note**: Let it be noted that I **DID NOT** WRITE THE FOLLOWING STORY. It was written by a fanfic writer named **Hounds of War**. About four or five years ago, there was a comedy writer on who was known as Hounds of War. Now, Hounds of War wasn't well known by everyone, but he was always one of my favorite comedic fanfiction writers, and because I liked his works so much, I printed them off and showed them to my other Final Fantasy VII lovin' friends, who also laughed along.

But after a while, Hounds of War's account was deleted from I guess from inactivity. I loved his stories, and thought others would love them to, and because I missed his stories and the ability of sharing them, I wanted to share them with all the other people who never had a chance to have a good laugh at his stories. Enjoy!)

**Scene focuses on a polling place…let's watch the action.**

**Booth 1**

Tifa: Come on, Cloud, just push it in! Harder! HARDER!

Cloud: Oww, stop yelling in my ear, I'm only six inches away from you!

**Booth 2**

Nanaki: How am I supposed to pick this up? Could I get some assistance in here?

**Booth 3**

Sephiroth: THE HELLO KITTY PARTY? THE HELL!

**While Sephiroth goes to seek vengence on the Hello Kitty party, we see Cid holding a voting administrator in a headlock.**

Cid: Dammit! I want my free cigarettes!

**Booth 4**

Tseng: So many choices, which one? Which one?

Elena: Come on, Tseng, just pick one!

Tseng: I don't know, I don't know!

**Tseng runs from the booth sobbing hysterically.**

Reno: Why do you like him again?

Elena: Cute ass.

Reno: Ah.

**Booth 5**

Barret: Yo, Vinny, who do you think I should vote for?

Vincent: I will not pl**_A_**nt sub**_L_**iminal messa**_G_**es int**_O_** the **_R_**ead**_E_**rs.

Barret: 'Kay, I'll vote for Bush!

Vincent: YOU FOOL! YOU'VE DAMNED US ALL!

Barret: Whatever, I'm gonna go get a beer.

**Booth 6**

Cait Sith: Hey, what is this big ticking clock doing inside a vo-KABOOM!

**Cid lights his newly obtained cigarette on the flaming mess that was Cait Sith.**

Cid: Ahh…I am in flavor country. (Lights and smokes twenty four more cigarettes) It's a big country.

**Shinra Compaign Headquarters**

Rufus: If you elect me, I promise to KILL YOU ALL.

**Crowd cheers approval.**

Rufus: Uhh, are they listening to me?

Heiddeger: No, I don't think so.

Rufus: Whatever.

**Hello Kitty Campaign Headquarters**

Sephiroth: DIE! DIE! YOU HIDEOUS SMILING FREAKS! BWHAHAHAHA!

**Right…Two weeks later, at Cloud's Costa de Sol Villa, where an election party is taking place.**

Reno (talking to the mirror): Hey, you-you think you're better than me? Huh? (Swings, misses, and falls on his face)

Tseng: Is he alive?

Elena: Who cares, let's go make out!

**Tseng opens a closet door, where Rufus and Yuffie are making out.**

Rufus: (cocks shotgun)

Tseng: Whoops! Wrong door!

Elena: Screw the closet, I found their wine cellar!

Nanaki: Hey, where's Vincent?

Barret: Don't know. The foo' ran off screamin' 'bout 'jungle-cide' or somethin'.

Nanaki: I think you mean genocide.

**Vincent crashes through the roof.**

Vincent: YOU FOOLS! RUN FOR SHELTER! WE LIVE IN THE FINAL DAYS! SOON WILL BEGIN A MASS JUNGLE-CIDE! NO ONE SHALL BE SPARED!

Nanaki: ……

Tifa: Umm…Cloud. I, uh, got something for your…problem.

Cloud: Vote-agra?

Cid: SHUTUP! IT'S COMING ON!

**Everyone stares intently on the TV.**

Announcer: …the votes are coming in! Ladies and Gentlemen, the next president will be…Pikachu!

Everyone: WHO DA?

Announcer: Now we go live to 'Stuff so much Merchandise Down Your Throat You'll Choke on the Plastic' campaign headquarters!

Pikachu: Pi pika pikachu pika chu chu chu pi!

Translation: I hate you all, buy my stuff!

**Sephiroth leaps down and kills Pikachu like he did Aeris.**

Pikachu: Pii, pikachu, pika chu chu chu pika!

Translation: Great, Taco Bell, here I come! ((Note: Annual 'What the hell did they put in this taco?' joke))

Sephiroth: Now I have elmiminated 97 of everything cute! Harry Potter's ass is mine!

**Sephiroth slowly walks off into the sunset. WHICH CAN'T HAPPEN BECAUSE HE'S FRICKIN INDOORS!**

Sephiroth: OW! YOU STUPID WALL, YOU DIE NOW! (Blows whistle, SOLDIER's, Third Class appear) Now, as I was saying..

**Sephiroth turns and smacks into the same wall.**

Sephiroth: The hell! A wall defeated my SOLDIER's?

Wall: Feh. Pussies.

Sephiroth: WHAT? YOU'RE GOING DOWN!

Wall: Bring it on, pot roast.

Sephiroth: POT ROAST! F-

**Screen goes blank, technical difficulties sign appears.**

Everyone: Aww…

Hojo: I shall kill you all!

Tifa: Hello, Professor, would you like some Ovaltine?

Hojo: OVALTINE! Oh boy! Gimme gimme gimme! (Gulps it down, clutches chest and dies)

Tifa: Feh. Loser. C'mon, Cloud, let's go chase Tseng and Elena out of the wine cellar.

**Hogwarts**

Harry Potter: Looks like those bloody Yanks are having a wee bit o' trouble with their elections.

Sephiroth: Guess who…

Harry Potter: Nancy Mcmurgin?

Sephiroth: Uh…yeah, something like that…

THE EVER LOVING END


End file.
